Identity

what is it like being a Chinese, feeling proud or inferior? one asks.

encountering the western culture, the gulf that can't be closed for a Chinese, i think, is the sense of alienation, the shocking difference and the un-mixability.

Chinese culture nowadays may be everything that is "crazy, blind, decaying, unconscious and self-destructive", it is also rich and beautiful, because time precipitates beauty and longingness and the incredible continuity by itself is a river that does not drain. such richness and beauty makes us proud. its irrationality makes us feel inferior.

burdened with such a culture is a race of very intelligent people, as can be shown consistently by exams and tests. such intelligence brings comfort and pride. that it is also associated with a lack of any meaningful accomplishements then lends us a sense of inferiority.

and we do look differently. very much so. along with it is our disregard of physicality and celebration of the intricacies of cleverness. together, what we have traditionally valued most is barely noticeable elsewhere while what we may have difficulty to match up is abundantly appreciated by others.

with such complexity at the levels of culture, mentality and genetics, it inevitably brings frustrations and disappointments that we most likely are misunderstood, underestimated and underappreciated. so it goes beyond simple pride or inferority. it may not even be painful, but an agonizing restlessness that one can be so alienly lonely.